Jesse Puma vs Pat Robertson's detractors.

Pat Robertson has been taking a lot of heat lately regarding his comments on the earthquake in Haiti. I think we should all relax and cut the guy some slack. How could I say this you ask? Well it's very simple, because Pat is 100% correct about everything and anything. Let me provide you with a few examples of his visionary genius:

In 1976, Pat predicted the end of the world would come in October or November 1982. In a 1980 broadcast he guaranteed by the end of 1982, there would be a judgment on the world. Surely enough on November 27th, 1982 Robertson smashed a globe on the floor, thus ending the world. Robertson was found guilty by Judge Whopner's People Court for destruction of property. Not a judgment on the world, but a judgment nonetheless.

In 1988 during his presidential bid, Robertson stated during the Korean War he was awarded three battle stars for action against the enemy. Former Congressman Paul McCloskey, Jr. who served with Robertson during the war backed up Robertson's story completely. He stated Robertson's father, a U.S. Senator, spared him from combat and he instead was a "liquor officer" responsible for keeping the officers' clubs supplied with liquor. Robertson made use of this liquor and frequented prostitutes.

In May 2006, God told Robertson during a conversation that a tsunami would hit America's coastline sometime during the year, specifically in the Pacific Northwest. Sure enough in October 2006, the city of Seattle was destroyed by a huge Tsunami caused by the Kraken from Clash of the Titans.

In 2007, Robertson once again spoke with God, this time on his brand new iPhone. In this conversation God told Robertson "mass killings" would occur in the United States in the form of a huge terrorist attack. In 2008, after no attacks occurred, Robertson said "All I can think is that somehow the people of God prayed and God in his mercy spared us." The power of Greyskull apparently has nothing on the power of prayer.

Fast forward to 2010, Robertson drops the bombshell that the earthquake in Haiti was God's wrath. This wrath was in response to a deal the people of Haiti made with Satan during the Haitian Revolution. In 1801 the entire island of Haiti pledged allegiance to the Dark Angel. He granted them super-human strength, trained them in deadly fighting arts and gave them futuristic weapons which propelled them to a blowout victory over the French forces. 200 years later, God so backed up with paperwork finally learns of this deal between Haiti and Satan. He is so pissed off about this he decides to unleash a massive earthquake. Right on the money Pat.

Finally on January 16th Pat Robertson predicted that this blog entry was over. Amazing, truly amazing.

Jesse Puma vs Adam Lambert's Debut Album Cover

Without getting too much into detail let me preface this by stating I am for gay people's right to be gay and they should be able to get married. They are born gay that's who they are let them be happy. Which brings me to Adam Lambert.

Adam Lambert......I mean wow bro, I think it's cool you came out of the closet and everything but holy Jesus your debut album cover might be the gayest thing in the history of human civilization. Future archaeologists will uncover this picture thousands of years in the future and deduce this was the dawn of homosexuality. I think if your album cover was a picture of you nude on all fours, wearing a spiked collar while getting jack hammered at both ends of the Holland Tunnel by two guys dressed as construction workers.....that would be way less gay than then the one pictured. Gay Aiken thinks this album is too gay....Boy George thinks you should turn it down a notch.

I would like to lay out a challenge to any red blooded American male (that likes girls) to march into Best Buy when the album is released, plop it down on the counter face up and declare ..."Yes I am buying this album how do you like that? " I am swiping my card, I'm walking up to the big goon at the door who makes sure you don't steal shit.....he's going to ask to check my receipt and I'm going pull out the album and say......"That's right man I bought Adam Lambert's debut album For Your Entertainment....I enjoy his music, I'm secure in my masculinity so up yours if you make fun of me for buying this."

"I bought a copy too man" the door goon who makes sure you don't steal shit would say. "It's all good, man......enjoy this album and its music and have a nice day."

Hey door man would you really buy a copy of that album? That's pretty cool of you to say that to the guy that does choose to buy it.

"Hell no bro I was just making that shit up to sound like a nice guy for my job as a goon who just stands here and annoyingly asks to check your receipts to make sure you don't steal shit. If for some act of God I had to buy that album.....say my girl was kidnapped and the kidnapper said the only way to get her back was to buy Adam Lambert's For Your Entertainment..... I'd download that shit in a rented hotel room on iTunes wearing a goalie mask with the door locked and the blinds covering the windows. How is that for an answer?"

I think you pretty much summed it up for everybody....well said door goon who makes sure you don't steal shit and annoyingly asks for your receipt.

Jesse Puma vs Arguing Yankees and Phillies fans....and Mets fans?

I've kicked around the idea of starting my own blog for quite some time but couldn't find the right muse......that was until today. Since the Yankees clinched the World Series for the 27th time last night there has been an explosion of bickering between Yankees, Phillies and for some reason Mets fans who like the jealous mutants they are, made the World Series about them. Nobody cares about your feelings Mets fans, you're not in hell because your division rival and cross town big brother are playing for a championship, you're in hell because your fanchise is led by a boob and your players lack balls. With my Met bashing portion of this post out of the way, let me get back on track. I am a diehard fan of the Fightin' Phils and fan of baseball overall. I like to think I am very objective when I break down baseball and sports in general. So let me attempt to break this down for the fans of the Phillies and Yankees once and for all.

Phillies fans have to accept the fact they lost the World Series fair and square. You can complain all you want that the Yankees go out every season and scoop up the best available free agent (this year three top free agents), but they still have to perform on the field. In order to perform on the field they might sometimes take performance enhancing drugs, but hey, at least they didn't know they were taking performance enhancing drugs. Cole Hamels on the other hand knew what he was doing when he agreed to appear in shitty, ridiculous commercials for Comcast and Ford. I'd rather read a bible sized book of Jason Deger Facebook posts than to watch those commericals. The fact that Cole appeared in these commericals along with his public appearance on the 4th of July in which he carried his teacup maltese in a little backback assured me that he was not a guy trying to defend a World Series Championship. 2009 Cole Hamels was like Rocky in the beginning of Rocky 3.......all caught up in his own hype, doing shitty commericals, losing his eye of the tiger. Hopefully Cole Finds Apollo this offseason so they can race down the beach and hug triumphantly when Cole gets his mojo back because THERE IS NO TOMORROW COLE.

You can try to find reasons why the Yankees won and the Phillies lost, I'll save you the time. It's obvious Jesus made Ryan Howard strike out 13 times and God made Matsui get the big hits to become MVP. Blame God and Jesus, they get all the praise when people do great, but in order to make some people great, some people have to fail. The one thing God and Jesus had nothing to do with the nightmare season of Brad Lidge. His fall from grace is no doubt a direct result of the deal he made to the dark angel Lucifer for his soul. Enjoy that World Series ring and perfect season in 2008 Brad while you burn in a lake of fire for eternity. I guess it could get worse, the dark angel could remove him from the lake of fire and put him in the Mets bullpen....but I think Brad would rather stay in the lake of fire.....okay so my Mets bashing isn't over.

Finally to all those Phillies and Yankees fans who watched 6 games this season, you know what games I'm talking about......okay, probably 4 games since one was on Halloween and the other one you didn't care about because the Phillies were already out of it.....please think carefully before you make posts. J-Roll, I hope your public predictions are over. You should have quit while you were ahead, but coming from a guy who appeared in MC Hammer videos as a kid I guess you're 2 legit 2 quit.